First crush

The entire time I was fighting this battle, there was also a guy that I liked. He was quite a bit older, not the best male influence. But I thought he was cute. Silly, naive girl. I didn't date while I was in high school, but now I think that's okay because none of the guys in my class were fit to deal with everything that I was going through, however, neither was this other guy, but I didn't know the extent of my baggage yet.

I did 4-H as a kid, something to help socialize with people from the community. It was helpful, I didn't love it but it introduced me to this guy. The first time I met him, I think I was 16. He would have been 21 I think. But that is beside the point. He was managing a food stand that my brother and I were working on. We had a terrible supervisor, so he was the person in charge when our supervisor was out smoking or running around the fairgrounds. He was my first crush. You know how those first crushes are, defiantly set in stone. I'm not gonna lie, I only friended his sister so I could get to know him better. I guess I was using her, not my greatest moment, but she was a good person, so it was easy to be friends with her.

The first time we all hung out was later that same day at the fair. I never had issues with getting people to like me, so I was nice to her and she asked to hang out later, pretty quick. She was the same age as my brother, so it seemed like we had a lot in common. We walked about the fair and I got to meet the rest of her siblings, it was great, we laughed, ate fair food, exchanged numbers and then made plans for the next day. This was the start.

It's funny looking back on it now. But at the time, this was the first time that I felt liked by another human that wasn't toxic, at least that's what I thought going into this friendship. It seemed innocent enough. Be friends first, then move into a relationship. This is what I was taught growing up. It was good advise, because then I could see what the person was like. Something that I still follow is a piece of advice from my grandmother, "make sure you date someone in every season". But as seasons turned into years, I wondered why this guy did not make a move.

A few years into the friendship, he decided to go into the monastery. Be one with God, love him unconditionally, sell your soul. That kind of shit you know. Bunch of bullshit, shave your head and never have sex. Not really my thing. But you know, I hoped that he would grow out of it and come back. We wrote letters talking about maybe starting a relationship, love, things like that. Pretty sure he was leading me on, but I think he could say the same thing. We were great friends, but also I wanted more and couldn't tell if he did too, until one morning.

This is how it happened. I was in my senior year of high school, a Sunday morning. He came by the house at 8am, and teens sleep late. He was with my mom for about two hours until came down from bed. I didn't know he was there and it was honestly a shock. He ahs flowers for my mom (not me), and was dressed in his church clothes (the same ones he would wear when I got confirmed in the Catholic church). This should have been a red flag, like BIG one, but I chose to ignore it. As my senior year progressed, we "hung out" more, had late night car conversations in the driveway. He was starting to like more and more, at least that's what I thought. You know that silly thing girls do when they find someone they like, yah, I'm talking about pretending to change your last name to his last name. Yah, I did that. I thought I would make a great addition to the family, and his family liked me too.

As cold winter days melted into drama filled secrets, I graduated high school and started planning my move to college. He was the only thing that I would miss. (if you read the older blog posts, you'll understand why I needed to get out of my hometown). Some weird tradition that started that year was to attend the Minnesota State Fair. And if you remember, we all were in 4-H. So I used this excuse to meet up with him and my family thought nothing of it. This is the first time I remember him telling me he really liked me and wanted to be in a relationship. This was a big deal because the only other girl he liked liked dismissed him and said she didn't like him like that. So, I knew this had to be it. (spoiler, pretty sure this other girl is married and has kids now) If any of my readers have been to the state fair, we were sitting in front of the Horticulture build. It was 85 degrees and I was eating a peach. His realization, why five years after we met, was finally welcomed, and he played my family like a fiddle.

If you read the other blogs, you'll remember that by the time September rolled around, I was sick if my band director's shit. The visits, the emails, the manipulation. In fact, by the time Thanksgiving came up my first year of college, my band director emailed me telling me via email "I'm going to stop up one of these days and find you. I will hurt your family if you chose not to see me". This was it. I was done. Friday, November 23rd, 11 am, I told my mom.

Now you are probably wondering why this is all connected. This guy I liked, I had to tell him what was happening, and during the week between Thanksgiving break and Christmas break at college, he came to see me and I told him. He didn't seem to comprehend what I was telling him and this should also have been a red flag. I remember telling him that I didn't know how I felt about hand holding, close proximity, or being intimate was going to go. He told me he would be patience with me, and at the time it was great. We still weren't official, but the promise of having a "healthy relationship" seemed to be coming closer.

When I had my court hearing in January 2019, he was supportive. He asked if he could do anything to help, and of course I said nothing yet. Honestly, I was afraid of seeing him, what shit he was going to pull. When we got in there, the judge took one look at him and hit him with a fine and then gave me a restraining order. College offered me a private room, since he knew my address, I declined, told my CA that I had great roommates that would throat punch him if I said. I still believe they would to this day.

About this time when I was starting to feel safer and more myself. I told this guy that I wanted a relationship, but at this time I need to start therapy to help myself. He understood this and confided in me that he should get therapy too because he has a porn addiction and so does his dad and brothers. I know, I know, another red flag. But I was so convinced this was going to work out that I told him it was fine and we would make it work.

If I wasn't so naive, I would have recognized this sooner. Remember how I said his family liked me and they were Catholic. Hold on, but his dad was running a "pool repair" service. Now, I know that was code for I sell porn to people and that's why they door remains locked and that "pleasure store" in town, yah, his dad ran and operated it as a side hustle. Selling porn and sex to people in Southern MN. (look at that, another red flag).

My new found independence was freeing for me. I still liked this guy, he liked me, he was being open with me, we were making it work for the rest of the semester. I was done in May, had some summer, worked, it was great. I was ready to make it official, and I thought he was too. Yah, remember that Catholic thing again, yah, this thing for Teens Encounter Christ (TEC), he wanted me to join but with college, no time. This led him to meet this girl, I'll call her Jane. He liked Jane. Jane was 17 (he was 26). Jane was a minor. Jane "looked like me". Jane "had been through the same thing I did". Jane was easy to mold. He wanted to make Jane his girlfriend. And here's how I found out.

Snapchat was still kind of new, not as new as when we were using it while he was at the monastery, but the bastard, he took a picture of the two of them at this TEC, with the caption "we are dating now". And I nearly threw my phone. I didn't know of this girl until 9am this morning, nor did I know he wanted a different girl. By 11am he was at my house in tears because "he didn't want to lose me". Dude, I was already gone. If he wanted to end things, he should have been honest. Telling me "with everything you have been through , I didn't know you wanted to be official. I don't want to end things with her because of us. She's already worried that I like you more than her". Bitch let me tell you, I went off. I told him the friendship was done, don't contact me again, move on be happy, I don't care. He left shortly after crying, only to drive back to my house for supper and act like nothing had happened. He still tried to talk to me and say he wanted to be apart of my life. But unless he left Jane, I didn't want anything to do with him.

Flash forward a few months, Jane turned 18. They were engaged 6 months after dating and married almost a year later. He was 27, she was still 18. They had have a kid, and things are great for them. He still avoids me when he sees me. He got rid of all social media because "his wife told him he can look at my profile everyday". Shortly after that, she gets rid of hers too. Jokes on him actually, because I never wanted kids, and I would have been too bold of a wife because I say what's on my mind. I would have asked about his dad's porn business. But more importantly, I deserved better.